Monthly Archives: February 2014

In need of restoration…

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In need of restoration…

This post has been brewing for some time now.  It’s been boiled, kneaded, folded and just plain smushed in my head for a few weeks.  I have been wrestling with the Lord.  I don’t recommend this, it’s painful, confusing, painful, distracting, did I say painful?

I have a reputation among a small group for being a Jesus-freak.  That is complimentary if you don’t take is as a title.  Once you take it as a title you remove the dependence, you remove the worship, you remove the peace that comes from when it is a description.  I don’t know if I am a rarity in this area, I suspect not, but I like to think I’m doing good.  I like to think I can take the tools God’s given me and go to work.  I like to feel the approval of others.  I like when my children reflect the “godly parent” I am.  I like when I know the answer.  I like when my sacrifice pays off, especially if many see it.

Sickening…

I have recently been struggling with attaining the beautiful worship to Christ that I once was submerged in.  My quiet times have become tough.  My desire to do anything really has become tough.  I have coasted on my past worship to get me through.  And all the while thinking it must be something I’m being subjected to instead of something I was subjecting to.  Did you catch the difference?  One, I’m a victim, the other I’m a participant.

Sickening…

As a well needed bolt of reality was delivered yesterday morning through a sermon by Paul Washer on Romans 3:23, I lay on the floor weeping.  I was embarrassed, broken, sad, and convicted to my core.  “ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  That’s what the verse says, this is what I decided on my own somewhere down the line…ALL but Traci have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Sickening…

How did this happen?  I had become what I despised most.  I had shucked the awe of my Lord and embraced the satanistic worship of self.  I had really blew it.  And worse I set a horrible example for my children.  Oh, the wicked webs we weave…

Sickening…

The pain of this knowledge resonated through my body all day yesterday.  The broken heart bled, all day.  The layers of realization of what I had robbed my God of and the undeserved title I given myself (unconsciously but still very real) made me want to vomit.

I am effectively broken and humbled.   Yet I am sooo very thankful for a Father that would put this sermon in my path to shake me into consciousness of my sin.  I am so grateful that He did not forsake me and leave me to the path of hell I was walking.  I am still bleeding and weeping, but I am full of hope because I know He has forgiven me and is willing to help me back to the path where His light will show me the way.  His book has promised me this and because I know every word of that book is true and alive I can have full faith of His promises.

I am sharing this because I think all too often us, “Jesus-Freaks” never show the cracks, the wickedness, and the sin we wrestle with.  So many times we are lumped into some kind of super-good-but-not-like-me status.  I want to tear that wall down.  I want to blow it up and let you know I am as wicked, as selfish, as scared, as sinful, and as blaspheming as the next guy.  I can determine what everyone else sees, but what man can see isn’t always truth.  Our eyes judge by deeds, God’s eyes judge by the heart.  And thankfully so, because a broken heart, a humbled heart is something attainable.  Perfection is not.  I want to demolish the idea that Traci is somehow good, instead I want to exalt the fact that unless Jesus is acting in me, I have no good.  My deeds are filthy rags, but His deeds in me are…HIS DEEDS, that is the only good I can offer.

I spent my morning reading Psalm 51.  Picking my memory verse from that chapter and also renewing my hope in that chapter.  Crying in that chapter.  Praising in that chapter and yes, WORSHIPING in that chapter!

As a true, born-again, Christian I have hope in my ugliness, I have His power in my pain, I have His healing in my broken heart.  And I have His restoration in my soul.

“Restore the joy of Your salvation in me, and give me a willing spirit.”  Psalm 51:12

Paul Washer Sermon: