So I’ve been wanting to write but either bc my desk was so covered I couldn’t find the keyboard or bc I could only glance at my desk on the way by, I haven’t made it. Now due to the need for an emotional cleansing here I sit while I should be checking to make sure my girls are getting ready for bed!!
For the last little bit I have been watching some things I didn’t like in my oldest daughter. I have seen laziness, dishonesty and disobedience rearing its ugly head and in the last week it has been like a brick wall that I have run into at about 50 miles an hour. I was kidding myself early on by telling myself that it is just a phase and she’ll pull out of it. Or that it’s probably not as bad as I think, or that all kids go thru this and if I just keep reading the bible to her she’ll be fine. Nothin’ doin’!
I had to sit across from her eye doctor today and listen as he told me that he knew she has been lying to them about the results of her work and it was killing us in making progress to fix her eyes. It’s one thing when in amongst your family you notice bad behavior, but when outside people begin to tell you they see a pattern of something as unappealing as dishonesty! It was not fun. It capped off about a week of total frustration in a knock-the-breath-out-of-you way. Three nights ago I layed face down in her room praying for her and begging God to stop Satan’s attack on her and her integrity. This morning I woke after 2 days of discipline to her repeating the offenses of disobedience and laziness. I am struggling in my motherhood to say the least. Where did I go wrong? Where did I derail her sweet Jesus heart?
I don’t know exactly, but I see two things that have killed us: her love language is one I don’t speak very well and we as parents have failed in consistency. She has enough bible pumped into her that she could be a scholar, but she hasn’t been getting the love…the kind of love that she understands…pumped at an equal speed. She is my butterfly chaser. My la la land liver. My piddle til I dropper. I try many times to stop and get on this level with her, but that is like asking a fish to walk for OCD me. Overachiever, performance based grace, finish what you start me, wants to accomplish something or sleep. That is my way. And I am killing my relationship with my daughter. I can fast-forward and see her at 15 screaming at me and leaving the house jumping in a car and doing who knows what while I cry and pray that she makes it home safe. This is how well-meaning parents end up with rebellious kids in my opinion. They love them but they choke them with that love, bc the kid doesn’t see love the same way the parent does. I have read, “The 5 Love Languages of Children” and I can totally see from it what happens, what is happening in my own home. My daughter is 9 and needs some time to be goofy and piddly with her mom. Why do I return here so often? Why do I lay in bed at night and wish that I would have stopped doing laundry long enough to go look at her secret hideout? Why didn’t I put off dinner and go explore the pasture with her? Why didn’t I listen better when she was telling me about the patch of wild flowers she found? It brings tears to my eyes right now.
What adds to this destruction is that this type of guilt cripples me when it’s time to discipline correctly bc I don’t want to hurt her more, and she doesn’t have the desire to please me so the fact that I’m disappointed is of no concern to her. When we obey bc of love, it’s real obedience…when we obey bc of what it might cost us, it does nothing to our heart and that is God’s main concern.
I started this by saying it is emotional cleansing that I was seeking. I need that, but I am in dire need of a change of heart. I pray all the time for the Lord to help me live in the moment more… to be whimsical, silly…soft. I don’t want to be the mom remembered for keeping all the ends tied up, and leaving all the hearts undone. My young life taught me to “suck it up and deal with it.” There’s no time to feel, bc if I did I wouldn’t have the emotional or mental ability to get thru another day. I had to keep my nose to the grindstone and hope it was good enough. I have worked on this problem so much and begged for God to heal this in my so many times it’s ridiulous…and it just keeps on hitting me in the face. I know God is helping me and has done so much to change things that are a result of my childhood. But this is my thorn, my cross to bear. So it will be a battle I assume until my Lord heals me for good by taking me home or coming back.
I am putting this out there bc I hope for 2 things; that I can come back and remember this post when I still have daylight to change my choices and to share with other parents that need to see a different way, to learn from what I do wrong. Maybe to shine light on their choices and make sense of why no matter how hard they try to teach their kids what is right to do, if they don’t fill them with love (in a way they can understand) they are spinning in the mud. I read and post and study great parenting material all the time, but maybe I should be coloring rainbows and chasing grasshoppers with that time. It’s crazy to think that I don’t know how to be silly.
My prayer is for balance. Balance of diligence and silliness. Balance of fairy tales and truth. God help me save my children from the emptiness that leaves their hearts wide open to Satan’s lies.
Love is patient, love is kind…love (at least in this house) has to be silly, soft and fun! Thank You Lord that You love me in a way that I can understand, help me to do the same.